by Jamie Finch

*This beautiful poem was written by Jamie for a dear friend on an evening she tried to end her life.  Friends, if you are struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide, please know that you do not have to walk this road alone. Find the bravery to speak up, to God and to other people in your life, with the knowledge that we all carry pain . There are people who long to love you exactly where you are and speak victory over you. Keep moving through.

I want to show up to you disheveled.

I want to throw open my mud and blood stained hands to you

as I collapse at your feet

in one utter and completely

graceless movement

shouting

“Here is all I have for you!

Do you really still want me?”

I want my tattered clothes, and matted hair

to lay all my addictions bare

To prove how, left to myself, I’ve completely come undone

I’ve lost myself inside of substances and stories, people and things

And now

Every time you try to tell me who I am

I can’t remember how to hear you

I want the sweat, pouring down my face,

To prove the frustration of what I couldn’t bring myself to say

That I’ve used and abused all that’s been given to me

Then hated it for being mine

Then wanted what wasn’t,

Then stole it to make it mine,

And hated it just the same

And I’m so tired of doing this every single day

But truth be told

I’m not so sure

There’s any other way

I want my bruises to tell of my victories,

But my scars of my defeats

Those seemingly permanent failings

That I have changed into my name

Because those are the ones that I need so desperately redeemed

And if you are who you say you are

You said you’d clean them up for me

I want to bring to you my worst

Because I long to take you at your word

When you say the weak and wounded, poor and weary, sick and sore

Are those who are most welcome, most familiar with your door

And if that’s true then I will run

With everything I have to you

It isn’t much, my strength is gone, so limping will just have to do

But

First I need to know if what you’re telling me is true.

Because try as I might, I just can’t see

How Perfection

Could find anything that’s lovely

In everything that’s me

So please, I only ask one thing

And if you’ll answer, then I’ll know you can:

Will you just let me find my way to you

Exactly as I am?

For I want to show up to you disheveled

I want give you my defeat

So that you may even louder

Shout your victory

In me.

Visit Jamie’s blog and see her other writings here.